American or Spaniard?

It’s time to play American or Spaniard? !! A culture game of esoteric quirks and tics, habits and norms, where you read grossly generalizing observations, possibly a stereotype or two, and decide if it’s describing an American or a Spaniard.

But be careful! Some of these silly pet peeves could describe either our flag-waving American or our flamenco-dancin’ Spaniard, or both, but never neither.

Good luck! Answers will be provided, or maybe not.  (Comments welcomed)

A (insert nationality here):

Puts meat on a salad.

Thinks that eating two or more eggs in a sitting is absolutely scandalous. 

ADORES Dire Straits. 

Is likely oblivious to the existence of good coffee. 

Thinks that scarves prevent colds and/or wet hair causes them.

Will, if unprepared, respond repeatedly with a satisfied “no” to any variety of favors remotely perceived as unconventional, but on the fifth attempt, or possibly the sixth, or seventh, will begin to break down and soften until the eventual and inevitable “yes” happens. 

Can only enjoy a window of three days each year when it is neither too hot nor too cold.

Calls budget cuts fascist.

Calls taxes socialist.

Will pull her expensive dress up and piss in public, as long as it is with friends, between two parked cars and after 1:00am. 

Considers swept-up dirt, over-flowing plant water, rug dust, and sunflower seeds and small livestock among the various acceptable materials to throw out of his apartment window, as long as it is connected to a balcony. 

Is obsessively afraid of salmonella. 

Upon arriving at home, must change into “inside clothes.” 

In a mad dash to work, will have already surpassed the predetermined maximum period of acceptable lateness (9 minutes) but, just before arrival to the workplace, possibly with lines of waiting patrons, spots a friend (or any acquaintance at all), and stops to talk to said friend, describing in excruciating and unnecessary detail the manner in which he is late, as well as the reason(s). This conversation has no time limit, the lateness increases indefinitely.

 Thinks that fluorescent lights heat up a room. 

Will defend wax paper bar napkins to the death.

Complains that (insert nationality here) are simultaneously obese and over-fit.

Knows that a 10:30am coffee break is not only reasonable, it is an institution.

Immediately puts eggs in the fridge after buying them.

May peel vegetables because to leave the peel is bad for your kidneys.

Will by default libel his competition rather than outperform him. 

Is usually absurdly optimistic. 

Is physically and spiritually incapable of drinking a gin & tonic before 9pm.

 May not distinguish between doing what one’s boss says and kissing his/her ass. 

Will likely work too much at the expense of happiness and/or personal pleasures. 

Is proud of her culture, yet overly self-deprecating.

Is proud of her culture, and wonders what that has to do with poo.

Considers a car’s hazard lights a type of protective force field, allowing him to stop his vehicle anywhere, on any given street or road, for an indefinite amount of time, without any perceived risk of danger.  

May shout in a mobile phone, often holding it directly in front of his face, as if the physical distance of the other caller were taken into account. 

Will probably keep his or her right arm below the table while eating in an effort to follow etiquette.

In a place of residence, requires fortified metal shutters to completely block out the evil that is the sun.

Thinks that Hillary Clinton is liberal. 

Can name 7 types of wine, but only one kind of beer.

Can name 7 types of beer, but only one kind of wine.

Avoids the rain as if it were falling drops alien acid.

Often wonders where the hell the optional guacamole is.

Will generally not question the existence of an Oreo pizza, or a hamburger with corn chips in it, or a taco wrapped in a burrito. 

Will generally not question a pizza with an egg on it.

Uses a car horn as a means of on-road communication.

Has never heard Brad Pitt’s actual voice in a movie. 

Drenches salted and buttered popcorn with more salt and butter.

Considers his passport both priceless and highly sought after. 

In sports parlance, knows the difference between “shallow right” and “deep left.”

Understands the offside rule. 

Still isn’t quite sure where to put the plastic food tray at Taco Bell.

Speaks loudly through the entirety of a live acoustic concert. 

Will brazenly order a hamburger in a marisquería withouth reading the menu.

 While walking in a group on the sidewalk, prefers the slow horizontal line rather than the reasonable vertical line. 

Does not understand the syntax of the words “slow” and “walker” when put together.

Knows who Dave Matthews is.

Considers the soil around trees along the sidewalk perfectly acceptable toilets for children.

Holds a bit of contempt for users public transportation.

Still takes the worthless pieces of paper propaganda strangers hand them on the street.

Uses Halloween to nurture her (or his) inner prostitute.

Will endlessly wonder where the 1st floor is in a building.

Will complain incessantly about their host country while living there, and then brag about the same place when back home.

Has never heard of school lockers. 

Gets pleasantly scandalized over exposed breasts on beaches.

 

 

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